I need a dick!

No, really.

I had one of those phone calls today---you know, the kind that makes you want to stab out your own eyes. Guy calls me up and puts me on the spot in front of one of my many bosses via speakerphone by asking me all these questions about projects I just barely know about, much less have completed. I told him what I knew, and he gave me all manner of BS about how I'd been "sitting" on one "for over a year." That made me laugh; I've been on this program all of a month. I reminded him of this, and something in my tone must have caught his attention because he rapidly backpedaled. Then he began to argue with me about what I needed to do for another project. I politely disagreed with him, he kept insisting I was wrong. Lather, rinse, repeat. He finally went on his way, no doubt unhappy with his meager updates from yours truly.

About an hour later, he called back and breezily informed me he was going to explain why I was so confused. "Hear me out," he insisted. I had to take a deep breath to keep from yelling because I'm not confused. I know what I need to do. He just won't listen to me. And then for some reason, I remembered my 7 Habits of Highly Effective People class. I put aside my impatience and anger and just listened to this guy. He was very earnest in his desire to set me straight. He did a great job of explaining the situation....except he was talking about a cancelled project that I had nothing to do with. I hadn't even mentioned this particular project during our earlier phone call. I was talking about one thing, he was talking about another. I let him finish his explanation, and then I explained again--slowly and calmly---what I needed to do with the project I'd been talking about.

"Oh," he finally said after a longish silence. "Well. Looks like you're on target after all."

Uh-huh.

We chatted a bit about non-work stuff. I found out he's from Maine, and we talked about the wacky weather here in NC and the lack of snow he's having up there in western Maryland. We ended the call on cordial terms, so that, at least, was progress. He found out that I'm capable of being somewhat civil, and I found out that he just wants to help. Oh, and that his office chair needs some WD-40. It was really squeaky.

I made the comment to my cubicle mates that the "here, let me explain why you're so confused" phone call wouldn't have occurred if I were a man. The one guy in my cubicle, who is one of my favorite people in the world, laughed ruefully.

"I hate to say it, Mel, but it's true," he told me. Bless his heart, he actually looked embarrassed when he said it. But it's something I've known for a long time. No matter how hard I work, no matter how many degrees I complete, no matter how many projects I start and finish, no matter how many problems I solve, I will still be seen as lesser than/not as good as a man. In my field, men are automatically seen as better, and women are automatically seen as dumb.

So...I need a dick. With a dick, I could get away with just about anything and everything. No one would question me if I said I needed to do XYZ for a project. No one would tell me I'm too aggressive. Judging from the stuff I've seen at work, I could barely do any work at all, and no one would question my lack of productivity because I'd have that all important accessory, more important than a brain and skills and experience. Life would be fucking grand. Right?

/hateful sarcasm

*takes a long, deep breath*